I don’t know who I thought I was… I really thought I was going to be consistent writing here and sharing my journey. Have I met me? Unfortunately, my journey is frequently hectic and constantly changing directions. It’s literally half-way through the year, and I don’t think I’ve stayed on any one path long enough to get very far. That’s another thing that ADHD and BPD have in common. I feel like one of those spiraling pendulums, just circling around and around, never getting far from where I started, and always ending up stuck in the middle when I burn out and run out of momentum. On the other hand, it looks fancy. Reminds me of when people say, “high-functioning.” Looks good from the outside, but doesn’t feel good on the inside.
Today I got up on time, gave my friend a ride to work and came home to let the dogs out and have coffee. I have three dogs, plus one I am taking care of for a few days. Her name is Rriri, but I’ll get into that probably in another post. Right around the time I write about boundaries. You see, I am a notorious pushover/yes-man/do-gooder, so I get sucked into all kinds of drama. I love to help, and honestly I’m good at it. However, I have enough of my own drama. Literally. If I had hidden cameras around here, it would be one the top 5 most streamed reality shows instantly.
Wow, I just realized how tired I am. It’s noon. That’s fine, I get up before 5 every day so this seems about right for a low point. A ver que hago ahora. Wondering if I should keep writing about my plans for the day, plans for my life, or the homework my therapist gave me… I’ll just touch on all of it a little. Plans for today include picking up my friend from work, taking another friend to get car insurance, and calling a few shelters about Rriri. Maybe I could find her a good foster home. Helping animals and people is sort of my thing, but can lead to burnout and overwhelm. Considering a career in social work so I could get paid (not a lot but still money) to worry about other people’s problems. I’m sort of a basket-case myself though, so I doubt I’d finish a degree program and get certified for anything.
Therapy homework was actually my idea, but from last week (which I didn’t do.) That automatically prompts my lovely therapist to decide for me that I actually HAVE to do it this week. Apparently it’s the key to all of my issues and a magical silver bullet to all of my current and future problems. It’s called… self-awareness. OOOOHHHH WOOOOOOOWWW revolutionary… but really. I am supposed to read through my old journals and find recurring cycles and patterns in how I’m feeling, relationships, jobs, and similar stressors that cause me to feel or behave in a certain way. It’s daunting. I’ve already started and the first journal I started to read was a direct slap in the face. I read the exact phrases I have been saying in therapy lately, and she had mentioned that I felt that way before, but I couldn’t remember exactly when I had said it. It’s been years.
It was a full-stop reality check that left me with whiplash. All the times I have wanted to change things and I am in the exact same place emotionally as I have been time and again. Obviously the methods I have used before did not work. (By methods I mean setting boundaries that I break soon after to put other people’s needs before mine, and blocking people that I then unblock and allow them to disrespect me even more times.) According to my self-awareness, that doesn’t help me change anything.
All I can say is that I’ve kept going, but it’s going to keep hurting until I find a better way to change things. Otherwise, 5 years from now I will be doing this same thing, repeating the same cycles. I have to learn how to say no. That’s really as simple as it gets. My endless marathon of Hallmark movies I watch with my Grandma Barbie have given me clues too, but I haven’t done anything lasting yet. I have made big changes but quickly reversed them at the first twinge of discomfort. My therapist always talks about how uncomfortable change can be. “With growth comes discomfort,” she says, “and after pain comes healing.” I told her that will be my first tattoo. (Which will have its own process of pain and healing.)
I know that I’m better than I used to be, and I know that I’ve come a long way. Still feels like I haven’t moved at all sometimes. Wherever you are in your journey, whether it’s being hit with the hard facts of why you feel like you’re not getting anywhere, or peacefully gliding down the river enjoying the ride, you really have come so far from where you were. If I can come to that realization, you can too. Remember to love yourself first, and take care of yourself first.
If I can keep on going, so can you, and vice versa. Stay humble and kind,
Love,
Me, Katie Lee