“Who are you?” said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, “I—I hardly know, Sir, just at present—at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.”
“What do you mean by that?” said the Caterpillar, sternly. “Explain yourself!”
“I ca’n’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir,” said Alice, “because I am not myself, you see.”
—Chapter 5, Advice from a Caterpillar
I, like Alice, seem to be stuck in the never-ending process of discovering myself. I am always improving myself but really who or what is my “self?” Once you are comfortable with yourself, usually as adults, we do not need so much validation from others because we have already built our own support within ourselves. However, as children, most people are aided by others to help them find their own unique self and need that validation. Most parents, and even older siblings, validate children’s emotions, interests, and thoughts and reflect the unique qualities that each child possesses back to them. This way they are able to learn who they are and they are able to grow comfortable in their unique personality and “self.”
So, what happens when a child is not validated or understood? This can be traumatic enough to cause pervasive insecurity, personality disorders, and even depression. Some children begin to hide their true self in certain company or all the time. Some children may begin to invalidate their own emotions and begin to reject their previous thoughts, feelings, or interests. Others may even become rebellious and act out against those who do not validate them. This can also leave a person with an incredibly hard time processing their emotions. (Like me!)
Imagine the scenario where a child goes through a scary or uncomfortable event, and their parent validates their emotions of fear and uncertainty and reassures them that it is okay to feel. That child will be more in touch with their emotions and be better able to handle similar situations in the future. On the other hand, if they are told that they should not be afraid or to “Suck it up,” that child will be conflicted with how they feel, thinking that it is wrong. They will be more likely to have trouble with similar situations in the future, as well as trouble with personal boundaries. Occasionally in situations with consistent emotional invalidation, people may develop Complex PTSD, Borderline Personaliy Disorder(BPD,) Depression, and/or Anxiety.
Growing up in an invalidating environment is one of the most discussed causes of BPD. In my case, consistent emotional invalidation, abuse, instability, poverty, and other traumatic events were all factors leading to the development of BPD. Having BPD and having experienced emotional invalidation consistently as I was growing up, led to a very distorted self image/ very low self-esteem. I have struggled with learning to feel and accept my emotions, setting personal boundaries, as well as boundaries with others. It has also been a struggle defining my core values, finding my true interests, and reigning in my ability to constantly “chameleon” myself in relationships to be more like the other person. (This is valid in both romantic and non-romantic relationships.) I am very easily influenced by others and have lots of trouble making decisions. My mind tends to go both ways on almost everything, so once I make a decision, it is not uncommon for me to change my mind quickly and then change it back again.
I also have difficulty with boundaries. My boundaries with others tend to be very weak, which can often lead to others taking advantage of me and taking more in a relationship than giving. Personal boundaries are also an issue. Telling myself what is too much or not acceptable is often hard for me. This frequently leads to me over-giving in relationships and not being able to say, “no.” In my last committed relationship my partner frequently said, “But I didn’t say you couldn’t do that,” or “I didn’t tell you that you had to do that,” and he was right. He didn’t ask me to change myself to fit better into our relationship, he didn’t ask me to give up anything or prohibit me from doing anything. I did it to myself as a form of invalidating myself and “chameleon-ing” in our relationship. Putting others first is not always a bad thing, but you should be able to practice “Healthy Selfishness” and put boundaries in place for yourself.
This past year of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) has given me the ability to look deeper into myself and learn how to feel and accept my emotions. As my therapist frequently says, “Emotions are not right or wrong, they just are.” I have been working on defining my core values and finding my true interests. This blog is a part of that journey to discover myself. Hopefully reading about my journey may help someone else on theirs, but it is mostly for me. I have also been focusing on my physical health as well, making sure I am taking nutritional supplements and vitamins to help my body be at its best. I prefer to take something that is completely natural and organic, as well as FDA certified. Since I started a good vitamin regimen and probiotics daily, I have felt a decrease in my depressive episodes and have had more energy and mental clarity to face everyday life. Below I have included links to buy the nutritional supplements I take, as well as a few other options that are great.
My journey to discover me is still in progress, but I feel that I am making headway. Thank you for visiting my blog and continuing along this adventure with me. Hope this reminds you that you are not alone!
Stay healthy, happy, and kind,
Love, Me, Katie Lee
Nutrilite™ Organics Green Superfood Powder