Hey friend,

So, it’s been a million years since I published my first post here. Not one person has seen it. Which, in all honesty, is not a bad thing, as I am mostly doing this for myself. If it does actually help someone else out there that would be great, but at this point the person who needs the help right now, is me. This long lapse in writing is actually a pretty good indicator of my mental state. I have been going through some huge ups and downs the last few weeks. Since my last post…

  • My grandmother has gotten severely ill, partially started to recover, got Covid-19, then pneumonia, and passed away.
  • I started new medications, had some improvement in my sleep, and then some regression in the sleep patterns, and some medication adjustments.
  • Binge eating became much more of an issue for me than it had been in the past.
  • There is also a new employment opportunity that I started, sort of.

Apparently this is what life is. Everyone has been so kind to remind me during these difficult times that: we all have problems, it’s not that bad, and most importantly, we all die. So, fucking thanks for that. I have been talking to my therapist about this rampant emotional invalidation in the world for over a year. Still not any easier for me to cope with it. When someone tells you they are going through a hard time, those are definitely not the recommended responses.

My grandmother was very important to me. I grew up spending time with her, going to her house for holidays and birthdays, and writing letters back and forth. It’s been about a week since she passed. Still hurts like getting blind-sided by a freight-train. I saw her in the hospital when she was very ill. She was so tired and struggling. While I was there, we watched some Hallmark movies, I bathed her and washed her hair, and I gave her a hand and foot massage with a nice smelling lotion. We talked very little. She had lost her voice from having a respirator tube shoved down her trachea. When she had recovered enough to go home, we thought she would stay on the up. Unfortunately, a hernia she had for years was bothering her so much she needed to get it operated on. During her recovery period in the hospital she contracted Covid-19 and then pneumonia. Family was able to go and see her in the last few days. Her sister, a daughter, one of her sons, and a son-in-law were all able to see her. My parents and I didn’t make it in time. She is the first family member I have ever seen after they passed. Was not a great experience, but offered much more closure than the last time I had seen her in the hospital.

In the middle of all of this I had started new medications, which is never an easy journey, no matter what they tell you. I was prescribed a mood stabilizer and a strong anxiety medication that is typically used as a sleep aid. I’m waiting on some kind of a contract to be an assistant for a woman who runs a local non-profit. Right now I am keeping track of things I do for her, but I don’t have anything concrete in writing yet.

I’ve also been binge eating through all of these wonderful life events. They said you could probably gain weight with these medications, and boy, they weren’t fucking around. High school was the last time I was this heavy. Before I was depressed and anxious, now I’m depressed, anxious, and fat too. Fuck me, right? I swear to you the time is passing at lightning speed. I don’t even remember the last year. I do remember that I haven’t been doing any exercise and have been eating probably triple of what I should, so probably should bitch about gaining weight. Whoops, there’s that emotional invalidation again! I’ll keep working on that…

And hey, you keep working on you. I don’t know you, but I wish you all the best.

~ Love Me, Katie Lee

Featured Meme

https://me.me/i/o-o-stupid-stupid-stupid-tired-done-tired-tired-14852672